The way my relationships turned out, I knew something was wrong. It's so exciting when one day, I see someone, and my heart skips a beat. I want to see him more often and I want him to see me and notice me. And a lot of times, it does happen! At the risk of sounding boastful, I tell you that I have a certain charm that usually manages to capture the attention of the one that I like. It has never been too difficult for me to get the guy that I start dreaming about. Once the guy is interested, I like to go on romantic dinners with him, try out new and interesting places together, watch theatre, pursue new hobbies together and a number of other things. I want him to hold my hand in public, hold me by my waist sometimes, feel proud of walking besides me, hold my face between his palms. My guy kissing me on my neck makes me go gaga! I love it when a guy moves his fingers lightly over my body, watching, feeling and loving every inch of skin on my body. But once you go this far, you can't help going to the next base. The pleasure on my face while he touches me shows silent approval and even eagerness for what naturally comes next. This is the moment the magic dissolves and the fairy-tale ends for me. In my first relationship, I tried using the "virgin-until-marriage" excuse. It Worked, but I had to indulge in certain other undesirable activities. In another relationship, it worked once or twice, but eventually, I had to give in because I did not want him to lose him. It was one big mistake! Now "virgin-until-marriage" had lost meaning and it happened as frequently as we found ourselves alone anywhere. I did not want him to feel like he's raping me, so I faked pleasure. It was tough because inside, I felt like crying and screaming. A few days back, I summoned the courage to tell him that I do not want us to get intimate until we get married. He wanted a reason but I had none to give. "I do not like sex" would have freaked him out, or made him think that I don't love him anymore or that I am a lesbian. I threw some crappy reasons on him and he reluctantly agreed. But he has a good sex drive and a lot of things still keep happening. But now I don't fake pleasure much and show a bit of anger using the excuse of the promise he broke. However, it is still tough and even though I want to get married to him, have him spoon me every night, share a strong emotional bond, I cannot marry him because I don't want to have sex with him, or anybody.
Now, I feel so burdened by all this that I start crying at random times. I cry after I yield to his desires, sometimes aloud in the shower, most of the times within myself. I finally googled it today, read a lot of articles and took several quizzes. It turns out, I am an ASEXUAL. But I do have pleasure doing it on my own, if you know what I mean. Although I find porn too unromantic and robotic, I do feel a tingling sensation down under when I see intimacy scenes in movies. I read some more and yes, I am an asexual.
So, now? Now, what do I do? How do I tell my sexually aggressive partner about it? Will he even believe it because I've already faked so much? Do I just break up and search for a partner who is either asexual like me or is not too sexually aggressive? In that case, how do I find my type of an asexual partner? (I certainly need my partner to be romantic and kiss me on my neck) How do I tell someone I start dating about my asexuality? I live in India and we don't go about discussing sexual orientations here, not even before we get "arrange-married"!
I so cannot breathe right now. I am a romantic person. I cannot live without a person in my life. It is my dream to find my prince just like Cinderella, Snow-white and Rapunzel did. But unlike fairy-tales, real life love is not just about a beautiful kiss.
